just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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