Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
