my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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