he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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