I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
