You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
