So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
