So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
