the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
