I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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