this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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