If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
