I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
