Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
