I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
