I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.