How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake