Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night