tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
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I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
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After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter