On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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