I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
