Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
