Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
