i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
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When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm like, not good at living.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.