Soap is not a condiment
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
