Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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