Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My pussy is not your playground.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
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