i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize