This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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