I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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