So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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