I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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