i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
