Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Your cock deserves a montage
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
