The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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