So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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