Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
