But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
