I just cut my nipple shaving
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Randomize
