Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
