I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
