Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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