My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Are we still banned from the library?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
