: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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