She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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