If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
