What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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