Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
