Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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