I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
