Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
