I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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