I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
