hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
