Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
