Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
