A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dignity is for republicans.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
